I am not a real movie star. I have still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

I am undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.

Age is something that Does not matter, unless you are a cheese.

Every man dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.

A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.

When we talk to God, we are praying. When God talks to us, we are schizophrenic.

The superfluous, a very necessary thing.

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?

It is simple, if it jiggles, it is fat.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.

If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.