I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

That is my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.

The IRS! They are like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

If at first you do not succeed... so much for skydiving.

The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.

Polite conversation is rarely either.

If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.

If at first you do not succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.

As I get older, I just prefer to knit.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.

Never floss with a stranger.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.

Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Television has changed the American child from an irresistable force to an immovable object.