If you are going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Be thankful we are not getting all the government we are paying for.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I have not spoken to my wife in years. I did not want to interrupt her.

A man Does not know what he knows until he knows what he Does not know.

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

One picture is worth 1,000 denials.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I am sorry, if you were right, I do agree with you.

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I am schizophrenic, and so am I.

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.