A friend Does not go on a diet because you are fat.

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, At my age, I do not even buy green bananas.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can not make him think.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

A nickel are not worth a dime anymore.

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.

I am not afraid of death, I just do not want to be there when it happens.

By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man, I mean.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

If two wrongs do not make a right, try three.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.