Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I am afraid of widths.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you do not have a top for it.

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

A woman mind is cleaner than a man: She changes it more often.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I am an idealist. I do not know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.

By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.